Poetry
"How They Killed My Father with No Guns"
By Alexis Clare
By Alexis Clare
My father wouldn’t want me to tell you this.
He was too proud for you to know this on his terms.
If my father, black child in the early 70’s,
told the police that older black boys molested him,
what do you think they would say?
If my father told his father,
absent black man of the 70’s,
what do you think he would say?
If my father,
black child in the 80’s,
got sent to a better school, a private school,
predominately white, what do you think the other kids would say?
Do you think they would have made him feel like he belonged?
Do you think they pushed him around the halls?
If my father dropped out
because he felt out of place,
do you think people said it was always going to happen?
Do you think anyone but his mother ever told him he was good enough?
If my father made it to college,
came south in the 90’s,
do you think they would give him a charge,
maybe two,
to get him off campus?
If there was a woman’s word against a black man
with no degree, no accolades from white people,
do you think anyone would listen to him?
If he had to get a public defender
for every one of those cases he should have won,
do you think they would fight for him?
Do you think once this man had a record list full of charges,
do you think the last woman to accuse him
would have to tell the truth?
Do you think they would give this man,
abuser on paper, felony burglar, armed man,
a chance to tell his story?
Do you think they would care if he had daughters?
Do you think they would believe they were keeping him safe from us?
Do you think he would start to believe it too,
that we would only be happy and safe without him?
Do you think if this man got a drinking problem
somewhere in all of this,
do you think his friends,
other black men fucked over by the system,
would tell him to stop?
Do you think he would listen
to anyone who told him to stop?
Do you think he believed
that he could be a good enough father?
Do you think he ever knew
he made my life better
every second he was around?
Do you think if he was driving
at 2 am on Christmas Eve
and cop cars cut on their lights,
do you think he would pull over?
Do you think they would call more cops
on this charged sexual offender,
domestic abuser,
felony burglar,
charged armed man
for speeding, for swerving?
Would you be surprised
if I told you it turned into a chase?
I can’t tell you that they physically forced him to,
that they pushed his cars into the tree,
but do you think they wanted him to?
Do you think they wanted him gone?
Don’t you think through half a century
of them pushing him around,
shoving him to the ground,
he thought he deserved
to die on that road?
Don’t you think he would have rather died on that road
rather than spend another decade behind bars?
Don’t think that he thought his daughters
would be
better off without him?
Don’t you think they made him believe
the world would be better off without him?
He was too proud for you to know this on his terms.
If my father, black child in the early 70’s,
told the police that older black boys molested him,
what do you think they would say?
If my father told his father,
absent black man of the 70’s,
what do you think he would say?
If my father,
black child in the 80’s,
got sent to a better school, a private school,
predominately white, what do you think the other kids would say?
Do you think they would have made him feel like he belonged?
Do you think they pushed him around the halls?
If my father dropped out
because he felt out of place,
do you think people said it was always going to happen?
Do you think anyone but his mother ever told him he was good enough?
If my father made it to college,
came south in the 90’s,
do you think they would give him a charge,
maybe two,
to get him off campus?
If there was a woman’s word against a black man
with no degree, no accolades from white people,
do you think anyone would listen to him?
If he had to get a public defender
for every one of those cases he should have won,
do you think they would fight for him?
Do you think once this man had a record list full of charges,
do you think the last woman to accuse him
would have to tell the truth?
Do you think they would give this man,
abuser on paper, felony burglar, armed man,
a chance to tell his story?
Do you think they would care if he had daughters?
Do you think they would believe they were keeping him safe from us?
Do you think he would start to believe it too,
that we would only be happy and safe without him?
Do you think if this man got a drinking problem
somewhere in all of this,
do you think his friends,
other black men fucked over by the system,
would tell him to stop?
Do you think he would listen
to anyone who told him to stop?
Do you think he believed
that he could be a good enough father?
Do you think he ever knew
he made my life better
every second he was around?
Do you think if he was driving
at 2 am on Christmas Eve
and cop cars cut on their lights,
do you think he would pull over?
Do you think they would call more cops
on this charged sexual offender,
domestic abuser,
felony burglar,
charged armed man
for speeding, for swerving?
Would you be surprised
if I told you it turned into a chase?
I can’t tell you that they physically forced him to,
that they pushed his cars into the tree,
but do you think they wanted him to?
Do you think they wanted him gone?
Don’t you think through half a century
of them pushing him around,
shoving him to the ground,
he thought he deserved
to die on that road?
Don’t you think he would have rather died on that road
rather than spend another decade behind bars?
Don’t think that he thought his daughters
would be
better off without him?
Don’t you think they made him believe
the world would be better off without him?
